Life sure has its share of ups and downs. Luckily I can count on my share of downs in life to attribute my resilience factor too. I survived a lot in my short 28 years and I continue to survive. I am grateful that struggles big and small have not completely overcome me by now. But I am on the verge of losing my hope and my faith and that is terrifying. If I don’t have my hope and my faith what do I have to propel me forward and to fuel my passion for my purpose in my life and my existence with injustice.
I arrived in this world with a number of disadvantages. Being a female I suppose was one of them. Despite marked improvements in women’s rights there are still many fronts to further even as Canadians. Despite many advances to human rights, all people still have hurdles to jump and mountains to climb to gain access to the protections provided. I became an orphan at a young age. My mother was murdered. Her murder killed him self. Her loss of life was brought to justice here on earth. I became a ward of the court and had all privileges associated with being a foster child stripped by the government of the time. I became a young widowed mother at the age of 22 and had no justice to this tragedy also. Despite all of this I look back and don’t see myself as a victim. I have turned my experiences into positive motivation to move forward. To become more than what society says I should be. According to statistics I could be dead, or a criminal or some other something or other that’s not good. I am alive. I am well. I have pursued higher education despite the odds thrived in academic attainments. Despite not having a good upbringing I like to think I am a loving and caring parent. I like to think I am a decent person. I like to think I make life choices that don’t harm others. I like to think I do my part to add more good into a world that sometimes has more bad floating around.
I am grateful for so much. I have made human connections who have become like family where I had none, I have an extended circles of friends who bring richness into my world in so many ways. My daughter and I are healthy, and at least if for this moment, I have a roof over our heads, food in my fridge and a few dollars to cover my December bills. But what is the meaning of it all – the struggles, the challenges the heartaches the tears and the fears. Did I sign up for this human experience for spiritual growth and if so can I ask when will I be done growing?
I sit here today pondering a much larger question of my purpose in life. I sit here today questioning my moral obligations in this life. Have I been born and bred to be a fighter, or have I been born and bred to simply exist and attempt survival and continue to learn from life hardships. Will I ever have that eureka moment, or the Oprah “aha’ moment where the accumulation of my life’s experience all make sense and I say YES I know why this has all happened, I KNOW what I am supposed to do with my lessons learned, I understand HOW to apply the learning to benefit myself and others and rest easy with some sort of satisfaction that it all makes sense.
Maybe not, maybe I just think too much. Maybe I expect too much from humanity. Maybe the pursuit of justice in an unjust world is just too much for me, one person to ponder let alone affect. Maybe I just need to stop thinking my purpose is to make everything better and just accept that being selfish and just investing in bettering my life is all that I am capable of.
This message is somewhat cryptic. I can’t disclose the events, which have recently provoked these existential questions. That’s even more disheartening. I thought freedom of speech was real. It’s apparently only real in certain circumstances.
I had a good cry. I have had my share of sleeplessness nights. I have had my share of mediation and prayer. I need divine intervention to tell me what to say, how to act, and what to do. While I await that, I need a good joke about now. I need a full belly laugh that will wash away these feelings of apathy and helplessness. I need a laugh that’s so soul soothing that my restlessness will subside so I gain some clarity and quiet.
Life will be lovely tell your mother again. (Wash, rinse and repeat as is necessary)
I am reflecting on the relationships I have had, to envision a relationship I am going to have next. I have had 4 major deals where at least the term boyfriend was asserted in the process. I am a few years away from 30. So this is likely a decent tally. I can honestly say, I still care about them all. There is something about me that is very exposed in life, but very guarded in love. All of these men got me to take down my walls in one way or another. So for that they all hold a little place in my heart.
The one thing I can thank my boyfriends of the past for is learning life lessons. ;essons are so key to personal growth. I am going to recollect the ones I have chalked up as a reminder of lessons I wish to not re-learn in the future.
Boyfriend #1: Patients is a virtue and compatibility is longevity. With this Mr. I was just ready to move forward from the moment I fell for him in freshman year. It was a 3 year long distance relationship and I was ready to take it to the next level once we were in the same postal code. His next girlfriend got the apartment, dogs and wedding. Sometimes to make the long haul- you need to slow down and enjoy the ride. This guy also taught me a lot about self-discipline and financial planning. I was a total flower child and he was in the navy. I am still a child of the earth and he is married and still in the navy. I wish him well and think of him and his family often.
Boyfriend #2: Romantic love and responsibility are not one in the same. I first fell for this guy when I was 14. There was something majestic about the first feelings of like and lust in relation to forming romantic love. We never got around to being in a real adult relationship until after Bf #1. But I cared so deeply for him. I felt like he was my soul mate. He is the father of my child, and taught me about family love. At the end of the day I took this lesson fully and highlighted my responsibility as a mother, which meant my love for him had to take a backseat. This man taught me that no man or the love I have for him, is greater than the love I have for my child. I could not save him from himself, because I had to save myself from him for her. I’m glad he is no longer in pain from his addictions and rests peacefully. Maybe the best thing he could have done was leave when he was not the father, friend, and lover that we needed.
Boyfriend #3: This guy came along at the right place and at the right time. I needed to live again and not just be alive. He was nothing like the person I pictured myself with. He was cool, fun, and friendly, and musically talented, and his family was amazing so he locked me down with no other good rational to say no. After the bad vibes from the in-laws on BF2 this guy had the total package coming from a fine bunch of folks who welcomed Ateam with open arms. I felt a part of something with him, it was new and nice. The issue with this relationship was maturity, motivation and ambition. The lesson I learned here is the more you push something onward, the more it stays exactly where it is. In love and life- it is about going with the natural flow. I wish this guy well on his journey to figuring it all out, and I hope he discovers confidence in his talent. I see him around and still keep in touch with his folks.
Boyfriend #4: Where to begin. If BF#3 wasn’t my type, this guy certainly was not. Two words: alpha male. I’m such a patriarchal female; I tend to go for the awesome yet under the radar type guy. Honestly this relationship was about forces of nature with a lot of attraction and repulsion. In this relationship I learned many of the lessons over again that I learned with BF 1-3. It was as if, I’d never learned them at all the first time. I also learned that when you play with fire, you are bound to get burned. I learned that to remain optimistic blindly in love is to allow your hand to stay on a red hot burner while you say what’s that burning smell? And really its a recent reminder of the dangers of falling in love, and allowing yourself to be exposed and vulnerable in the process. I also learned that while change is certainly possible for everyone, it’s highly unlikely for many of us. I can’t help but think of this man often, his alpha male objects are all around me to act as constant reminders. The main lesson here is to hold out on what you hold close.
So dear universe, done with learning lessons in love and done with reminiscing about Boyfriends of Christmas Past. I know where I have been; please show me where I am going. The final installement can be lovey tell your mother- thanks.