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Life is not so lovely tell your mother right now

Life sure has its share of ups and downs. Luckily I can count on my share of downs in life to attribute my resilience factor too. I survived a lot in my short 28 years and I continue to survive.  I am grateful that struggles big and small have not completely overcome me by now. But I am on the verge of losing my hope and my faith and that is terrifying. If I don’t have my hope and my faith what do I have to propel me forward and to fuel my passion for my purpose in my life and my existence with injustice.

 I arrived in this world with a number of disadvantages. Being a female I suppose was one of them. Despite marked improvements in women’s rights there are still many fronts to further even as Canadians. Despite many advances to human rights, all people still have hurdles to jump and mountains to climb to gain access to the protections provided. I became an orphan at a young age. My mother was murdered. Her murder killed him self. Her loss of life was brought to justice here on earth. I became a ward of the court and had all privileges associated with being a foster child stripped by the government of the time. I became a young widowed mother at the age of 22 and had no justice to this tragedy also. Despite all of this I look back and don’t see myself as a victim. I have turned my experiences into positive motivation to move forward. To become more than what society says I should be. According to statistics I could be dead, or a criminal or some other something or other that’s not good. I am alive. I am well. I have pursued higher education despite the odds thrived in academic attainments. Despite not having a good upbringing I like to think I am a loving and caring parent. I like to think I am a decent person. I like to think I make life choices that don’t harm others. I like to think I do my part to add more good into a world that sometimes has more bad floating around.

I am grateful for so much. I have made human connections who have become like family where I had none, I have an extended circles of friends who bring richness into my world in so many ways. My daughter and I are healthy, and at least if for this moment, I have a roof over our heads, food in my fridge and a few dollars to cover my December bills. But what is the meaning of it all – the struggles, the challenges the heartaches the tears and the fears.  Did I sign up for this human experience for spiritual growth and if so can I ask when will I be done growing?

I sit here today pondering a much larger question of my purpose in life. I sit here today questioning my moral obligations in this life. Have I been born and bred to be a fighter, or have I been born and bred to simply exist and attempt survival and continue to learn from life hardships. Will I ever have that eureka moment, or the Oprah “aha’ moment where the accumulation of my life’s experience all make sense and I say YES I know why this has all happened, I KNOW what I am supposed to do with my lessons learned, I understand HOW to apply the learning to benefit myself and others and rest easy with some sort of satisfaction that it all makes sense.

Maybe not, maybe I just think too much. Maybe I expect too much from humanity. Maybe the pursuit of justice in an unjust world is just too much for me, one person to ponder let alone affect. Maybe I just need to stop thinking my purpose is to make everything better and just accept that being selfish and just investing in bettering my life is all that I am capable of.

This message is somewhat cryptic. I can’t disclose the events, which have recently provoked these existential questions. That’s even more disheartening. I thought freedom of speech was real. It’s apparently only real in certain circumstances.

I had a good cry. I have had my share of sleeplessness nights. I have had my share of mediation and prayer. I need divine intervention to tell me what to say, how to act, and what to do. While I await that, I need a good joke about now. I need a full belly laugh that will wash away these feelings of apathy and helplessness. I need a laugh that’s so soul soothing that my restlessness will subside so I gain some clarity and quiet.

 Life will be lovely tell your mother again. (Wash, rinse and repeat as is necessary)