It has been a while dear blog..
The communication process for me is a transaction. It should be mutually beneficial exchange. I value communication a great deal. For those of you reading this that do not know, I have a graduate degree in this field. Communication requires authenticity at all levels for me as a person. No matter how or where this transaction takes place, it has to come from a place of a shared desire for mutual understanding.
I have not been able to post anything, anything at all, and for the longest time. I don’t know why but something was literally preventing me from opening up. Like a mute button was clicked. I felt constrained. I felt ashamed. I felt guilty. That’s it…I felt guilty for abandoning my blog.
I was hamstrung. I was stuck – there is no other way to put it.
There was a change in me, a minor set-back perhaps, but a moment in my recent history when sharing anything that came too close to sharing the real truth of my life just didn’t feel right.
Both literally and metaphorically speaking…I was tongue-tied. I am even bewildered that it took me this long to even notice that I lost my own voice. Admitting is always the first step.
I notice that I sometimes get tongue-tied around really inauthentic people. Perhaps I couldn’t write because I lacked authenticity with myself. I know what I have wanted to say to my readers, but I knew that it wasn’t going to be coming from an authentic place. The truth of the matter is, I have been dabbling in too much of everything and nothing all at the same time to be truly passionate or authentic about anything.
I knew that I had look inside to fix the things broken on the outside. But it proved to be too hard to do for a while. Hindsight is always 20/20. It wasn’t just about my inability to be honest with all of my lovely tell your mother readers, or the people in my cue, it was likely related to me being avoiding being honest with myself. Today I am being truly honest, brutally honest in fact.
It has been my authentic self of the past who was been driven to the laptop to share my life experiences and views with you. Driven by some blind optimistic faith that somehow my triumph and heart breaks might inspire you to look inside yourself too… question your own morals and values and find what direction your own moral compass should point when dealing with the “messy” parts of life, the grey areas of living.
I was neglecting my shadow self. The darker side. The side that doesn’t always have a positive perspective. The side that doesn’t just accept what is with total faith for what is yet to come. I was hiding a part of myself that makes me whole. A big part of myself that contributes to my true self. I am not always positive. I am not always loving. I do not always treat myself or others with the utmost respect and consideration. I am not perfect.
My darker self says, the more that I learn, the more that I realize that I don’t really know shit. It says, the more something means to you, the harder it is to attain it, so don’t give a fuck and things will come easier. My darker self says that I choose to learn the hard way, time and time again, that when people show you how awful they are, that you should believe them, too not, is only self hate and how can you love hating yourself? I came to the conclusion through getting to know my darker self and darkest thoughts, that the better my questions become, the more difficult they are to answer.
I had given up the fight inside of myself or darkest and light because I has lost sight of what the end goal really is. So here is to re-awakening my desire to pursue my highest self and discover what my true higher calling is. Sometimes the best way to really find yourself again is to completely get lost for a while. It has been a weird trip and I am happy to be back.
My word press stats reveal something that did not occur to me, just because I have not been writing, does not mean that people have not been reading.
I am shocked to find that I still have readers despite abandoning my responsibilities to post new and relevant articles, someone out there still is reviewing my stuff – so thank you!