Life is full of seasons. Not just the earthly seasons of summer, winter, spring and fall but seasons for business, seasons for companionship, seasons for learning, seasons for relaxing. Its like life itself has some sort of sophisticated calendar for each and every human in which they have seasons and then when the time is up those seasons change.
My life is possibly entering into a season I have never experienced before. My life is entering into a season of transition like no other. I am morphing. I can feel it. My personality has not so much shifted as my perception. My perception has frames or lenses and so maybe this is my first real season of perception. My only issue with this is that as the cliché goes. ‘Ignorance is bliss.’ I am not just optimistically blind and fanatically obsessed with a sense of can do, instead a sense of what about this or what about that. This whole perception thing is exhausting. It’s about being analytical about every single part of my life, all of the interactions, all of the different engagements.
My shift into a season of perception is exhausting. I am drained. Yet restless. The issue with perception is it falls into the area of grey and I am more comfortable with definitive black and white. Sometimes you have to step outside the comfort zone, but generally speaking I like to know where I stand on things, I like to know what I am working towards, and I want to believe that I am capable of achieving what it is I have set out to do.
Maybe this is all just the ranting’s of post-grad graduate student. I guess I thought in my head somehow that after attaining higher education I would reach some euphony. Maybe I thought that pay automatically was scaled according to credentials. Maybe I thought somehow when I entered the program 3 years ago that I wouldn’t be single when I finished, like my peers maybe I’d have an engagement at the end of the degree, or some sort of something…. something that said I am emerging from this feat a new person. On a brighter path. Just maybe somebody who is being something more than she was before.
Maybe I could just be having post grad blues. What now? Maybe it’s the recent break up I had that shattered my confidence and my ability to judge what is right and wrong for me. Maybe it is just emptiness because of the lack of focus on the next big thing. The truth is I now know deep inside myself that certain things don’t spur other events the way we intend. Despite free will, despite personal choices, despite opportunity or circumstance, we have to throw caution top the wind if we want to avoid running against it. The seasons for the different things are just going to happen according to larger agenda. Seasons are going to come and go, and despite the lineup I might have intended. I need to embrace each season for myself and know that its always a preparation for what’s next to come.