Yesterday I cried- a deep long and loud sob. I am not sure if it was the communication that I received so much as it was an accumulation of emotional exhaustion from the last 6 years. I am not entirely sure that I have ever been in a long term healthy, positive and mutually beneficial relationship. And for the record, I have never ever spent a holiday season with the ‘one I love’ even when I did have a plus one. There has always been a separation in one way or another.
I am a mom now so I let the whole Santa thing try to distract me. I surround myself with people who won’t allow me to mope. People who love me, accept me for who I am, forgive me for my faults and like me just as I am. This year that’s hard to do. I am over 5,000 kms away from my family and most of my dear friends. I am close to some people I care about but there are huge barriers to being near them at this moment.
The truth is that this very same time last year I experienced much of the same feelings, at around the same time. And the year before. And for most of my 20’s. I’m so distressed with myself for not evolving past this already and progressing towards a more self assured being. I guess the cop out is I am guilty like a lot of other people of relating my loneliness to being with someone as a pose to just being comfortable being alone with myself (during the holidays or any time really).
What’s that other song, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you are with? If I am only with myself then shouldn’t it just be so easy to love myself. It is not better to just realize this and own it and find that fulfillment within and not look to others to fill a void of any kind. It also brings about another very important question; am I better off without the ones I love? Better off to figure out how to be alone but not lonely? Better off to find self fulfillment and joy within myself and not transferring that responsibility onto someone else? Taylor Swift and Pink songs following me around all day didn’t help matters much. Lyrics like “And the saddest fear comes creeping in. That you never loved me or her or anyone or anything,” or “Where there is a spark, there is bound to be a flame, where there is a flame someone’s bound to get burned,” don’t help me to pull myself out of a mini rut. Ugh top 40 radio can you f off already.
I don’t want to be the holiday Debbie downer. I don’t want to have any more pity parties where crying in my cornflakes is the soup du jour festive special. I just want to be happy. I want to be so happy and so comforted on the inside, that nothing that happens on the outside effects me to the core so much. I just want to love myself so much that I don’t need anyone else to love me or be with around me, to help me feel good. Lovely readers, self love and appreciation tips welcomed.