Lost and Found
It’s been a whirl wind few months. I have completely negated my blog entirely. To anyone who is interested in my musing I apologize profusely.
To be entirely honest I was in a personal rut for the most of my summer. I was terribly bummed about not getting a full time job at the end of the school year. I was also bummed about a few others things. 2012 started off pretty rocky in my world. Without getting into al of the details I will focus on the feelings.
I felt like a lot of people let me down. My feelings of hurt just kept me from looking on the bright side of things like I normally do. I feel out of my good habits like exercising often, mediating daily and the more my routines fell to the wayside the more I felt like I kept finding myself in impossible circumstances that were preventing me from getting my groove back. My bad feelings were like a dark cloud that was following me around. My lack of professional fulfillment and employment and my heart ache from numerous fall outs with people I would have given my life for likely had me headed into a state of depression. And like that commercial says, depression hurts!
My physical health started to fail me. I was having stomach problems, sleeping problems; I went through a period of weeping. My anxiety about what I should do, where I should go for work, how was I going to provide for my daughter left me in a weirdo limbo place like a purgatory of such. I packed up my apartment, got into my car, and drove like the dickens for greener pastures. Thinking that my area code might change my gloomy disposition.
I went to stay with family and ended up waiting tables. Two degrees and I am slinging crappy food for less than minimum wage. It was an epic failure. Not only professionally but personally, sure I joined the ranks of many other over qualified under experienced new grads working in the service industry, but I worked as a career counselor for 3 years, I knew how to find a job. People would say work is coming my way and it wouldn’t or I’d get responses saying you just don’t have agency experience you will find something more suitable… it was a like I was a hamster on a wheel that kept moving faster, and there was no way of getting off that spinning wheel.
Staying with family was another epic failure. Hindsight is always 20/20. I am the black sheep of my family. But in a good way. Long story short, I don’t fit in. I’m simply too empathetic and accepting to be around most people I’m related too. Even in my depression I am optimistic and so they ate me for breakfast. Basically I was in a lose lose situation.
I took a leap of hope to end my doom and gloom summer season, and at the start of fall, I sold my ride and moved to the one place in Canada where even the parking meter guy makes 40 dollars an hour. I moved to northern Alberta. A land of opportunity. A land where there is a lot of money and a lot of men. I took another leap for myself, I signed myself up for an online dating site. I took even a more uncomfortable leap in a new direction and I went to church. Something I have never done as an adult.
In one week, I have found a career job. One where I don’t have to wait 90 days for an invoice to be processed (yeah self-employed people I don’t know how you do it in the start if you have kids). I have been loaned a car to get to this job. I have found a wonderful child care provider who is going to offer me a receipt for income taxes (this is basically unheard of here). I have found a wonderful place to stay until I can find a place to call my own. I have actually gone out on some dates. I have rekindled friendships, I have made some new friends, I signed up for the gym and I am on my way.
For the first time in a long time, I am taking charge of my life. I am taking control of my circumstance. I am surrounding myself with positive supportive people. I am finding myself again. Taking joy in sunsets, breathing deeply and wholly. Sleeping, like actually sleeping…not just exhausted commas.
I have a feeling that the light is starting to show at the end of the dark tunnel. I have a feeling I might not be a single sally forever. I have a feeling I am where I am supposed to be.
I lost my personal hope and my faith in myself even while I was remaining optimistic about my future. I am very pleased to report that I have found it again.
From here on out, I’m sticking to my mantra in with the good and out with the bad. Yesterday is behind me, tomorrow is still unknown. Today I am just worried about today.