Monthly Archives: October 2012
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
I was foolish. I admit it. I thought someone was just doing me a favor and not expecting anything in return.
I was mistaken. Here was the deal, I had a few dates with a guy and he was going away for 3 weeks. He offered me a loan of his car. I just moved to a new place and sold my car. I needed the help. I prayed for help with my transportation needs, and here it was, just like that, an answer to my prayer. A car loan for 3 weeks! I would be crazy not to take it?
First off, I said to myself… who the fuck gives someone their car when they barely know them? Especially for such a long period of time while they are away. This guy is either really nice or just crazy. Then I said to myself this guy must really like me and wants to show me that he can do something nice without expecting anything in return. As it turns out… as the weeks go on I don’t really feel anything for the guy. I thought he was a nice guy, I thought he was decent, but I just didn’t feel a spark. I just did not get the butterflies when his number showed up on my phone. I just didn’t feel like I missed him at all while he was away. I just felt like it was more of a duty to report to him my whereabouts because I had his car. I felt like when I missed a call or text from him I was immediately inundated with this underlying sense of guilt …his needy-ness…why wasn’t I responding, what was I doing that was more important than answering him, why didn’t I need to be in touch with him the way he was feeling the need to be in touch with me.
I could not quiet put my finger on it. I thought maybe it’s because I was stuck in the past and sentimental to my exe. I thought maybe it’s because I am in a transition place in my life and I just don’t have the time and energy to invest in someone else, or maybe it’s because he is too nice and there is just no challenge. No build up. The over availability to be honest was a total turn off. Like get a life, do you even have any other friends? Why are you so dependant on me to communicate 24-7? I have a lot of stuff going. Was I being wrongly outright annoyed, was I making up excuses or was it bluntly that I just didn’t like him that way? If I really liked him, I’d totally make time.
I have been extremely honest with the guy… I am not interested in a relationship right now, I am really trying to sort some stuff out, dating should be fun and not demanding at this stage for me, I have a kid who is my main focus, I have some baggage from past relationships, I am not looking for a sexual relationship…etc could not have been more blatant.
I don’t want to lead the guy on. I didn’t take his offer to continue to use his car when he returned…told him it was not right or fair. No big deal, or so I thought. A few texts unanswered from him this week-end and mofo gets all pissy with me for not responding and tells me he deserves more than a silent fuck you.
So I ask him what does he expect me from me, what does he think he deserves. I spent over 200 dollars on the guy, filling the tank up which I got the car on a quarter tank and a car wash and some meals to say thanks and he has the audacity to call me a “fucking leech”. I purchased the meals while I was not working I might add. So yeah buddy the widowed single mom who took you up on your nice offer and said thanks in normal ways is a total leech. You called it. Loser. I was right from the start this guy is a fucking nut.
I am almost writing this blog post as a public announcement that someone who has some authority wants to make me “pay” for not liking him, because I never put out for the loan of the car. True colours shown. He is a bitter prick. He gave me the car in hopes of getting “some” even when all of the tell-tale signs were there that it wasn’t going to happen, he remained in blissful denial. Then to try and salvage his ego he furthers to go on that “news flash” he was not interested and I should “get over myself”. I’m trying not to point out the glaring obvious that if he really felt this way he would have taken the hints and the hike a while ago. I just state the facts: I never asked him to loan me his car, I told him I was not interested in him romantically, I told him it was a very kind and generous offer but that I was not going to pay him back with any special favors. I blocked him from Facebook and Twitter so I have a good feeling he will be stalking my blog. And since he has now ruffled my feathers on an otherwise quiet night with his bullshi cruses and insultst, after I was trying to let him down gently for a total of 5 weeks and he did not like the silent fuck off treatment, here is my very public – Fuck You!
Readers- if there is something you can’t exactly put your finger on about someone, wait it out a bit you will see the pig eventually squeal. Sometimes our inner voice tells us something that our head and our hearts outright refuse to hear. When you get a sense about something is off about something or someone it usually is as you suspect- too good to be true. Moral of the story, always follow the gut.
So I figured I’d try my hand at making more time for physical enjoyment. Fort McMurray has an awesome all inclusive multiplex facility with pools, gyms, indoor swimming areas, rock climbing you name it. My month is almost up and I have only used it three times.
Time is a factor. I never have enough of it. If I stopped listening and shut off the world entirely I might have an hour every second day to honour my body with some movement. I made some time the other day to try to ensure that my child learns better routines and hopefully does not have the same challenges someday. She really wanted to swim. What kid wouldn’t seeing that place? She had been to the complex twice already. Slides, wave pool splash pad and play place. I have to admit, I just was not feeling the parading around the pool half naked. I just was not feeling motivated into getting into my swim wear. I saw lots of others wearing clothes, so I figured I too could walk around the pool with her as she galloped through the place.
Everything was going fine. And then some girl in a Zumba fit ensemble comes over and informs me I need to go get a bathing suit on or my kid has to get out of the water. She was totally kicking us out. My daughter can swim. She has been swimming for years and recently at the end of the out door swim season, I allowed her to break free of the life jacket, a proud moment to say the least, for us both, when she passed her swimming tests. I am not about to drop her off at the pool and go have a work out. I am poolside. I am ready and willing to jump in if need be. I can’t believe this. I look on to the parents with kids in lessons, fully dressed and sigh. I spot about 8 or more paid and trained lifeguards, they are all in shorts and a tank tops or t-shirts, I kinda get annoyed with the woman. She maintains her stance, I need to get out or get swim wear on. I am in disbelief.
Seriously, what if I didn’t shave and couldn’t face the humility of my lack of maintenance. What if I had stretch marks and just don’t want to disrobe in public, what if I have bruises or scars of injuries I just don’t want to show. What if for religious reasons I could not disrobe. For the record, I was wearing flips flops black tights and a tunic. Also at no point had any employee at the complex ever told me I had to be in swim wear to accompany my child into the pool area. No one was about to even ask me if I’d be happy to jump in wearing whatever I had on for my child’s safety sake. Bathing suit or HWY. The lady repeated her position. I’m a ball of anxiety at this point.
I am like lady please – I’m not taking her out of her glory because you think I need to be naked and I don’t feel like having my naked body made public today. She was firm. Out of the clothes or out of the pool.
I tell my child to pay attention to what the lady is saying. I tell the lady to repeat to the kid what she is saying to me in a way that she understands what is happening. I was 100% convinced child would not believe me if I told her such a tale. The Zumba fit outfitted lady had to explain to the 6 year old what was happening. She could not. That’s how we know that it does not make sense. When it can’t be boilded down for the wee ones. The kid looks at the Zumba outfitted lady like she has 25 heads.
What? Mommy did not bring a swim suit so I have to get out of the pool? I have a swim suit. Do I have to get out too? The woman shows zero empathy. She never even says let this be a warning about the rules. I am sorry you were not informed. Safety. I get it. I was with her. I was right there and watching her closely and within a few feet of her pool side. She can swim. I thought it was okay because so many other people where there in clothing. But the fact that those were not the rules for us, and that I was wearing my clothes just really sucked on that particular day.
I just did not want to be half naked. I honestly have no major body issues. I have no awfulness to cover up and I might have even been somewhat shaved that day. I just did not feel like getting wet and full of chemicals and being on display in my swim wear. I wanted my kid to have fun and exercise and I saw a lot of other people in the area fully clothed so I assumed it was fine. I made a mistake, but did the employee honestly have to single us out and kick 2 out of 100 people out. Bad timing to make an example of your authority.
What really grinds my gears about this whole fiasco is that in this modern era I still live in a world where a woman tells another woman to strip down or get out. I am not a feminist, not any wave genre of feminist. But I’d be a total idiot to not be aware of the issues against women from multiple perspectives. I’ll save my political positioning for another post entirely. Lesson learned for me. No matter how modern, females still are going to be hating on other females. From now on, I am only frequenting the pool only with a spare pair of clothing. And if I see that woman again, I might just take a rip of the high dive if only just to say bitch please, I do not need a swim suit to get the f in the pool if need be.
I get the rules! Arm’s length. Let’s prevent drowning, yadda yadda. But why inflict this all on us this day, without even asking me to get my clothes wet.
When I was a kid my mother tossed me in the deep end not being in the pool age 7 or something without a swiming lesson to my name and said figure it out. Ya know what, I did.
I have been keeping my head above water ever since.
It’s been a whirl wind few months. I have completely negated my blog entirely. To anyone who is interested in my musing I apologize profusely.
To be entirely honest I was in a personal rut for the most of my summer. I was terribly bummed about not getting a full time job at the end of the school year. I was also bummed about a few others things. 2012 started off pretty rocky in my world. Without getting into al of the details I will focus on the feelings.
I felt like a lot of people let me down. My feelings of hurt just kept me from looking on the bright side of things like I normally do. I feel out of my good habits like exercising often, mediating daily and the more my routines fell to the wayside the more I felt like I kept finding myself in impossible circumstances that were preventing me from getting my groove back. My bad feelings were like a dark cloud that was following me around. My lack of professional fulfillment and employment and my heart ache from numerous fall outs with people I would have given my life for likely had me headed into a state of depression. And like that commercial says, depression hurts!
My physical health started to fail me. I was having stomach problems, sleeping problems; I went through a period of weeping. My anxiety about what I should do, where I should go for work, how was I going to provide for my daughter left me in a weirdo limbo place like a purgatory of such. I packed up my apartment, got into my car, and drove like the dickens for greener pastures. Thinking that my area code might change my gloomy disposition.
I went to stay with family and ended up waiting tables. Two degrees and I am slinging crappy food for less than minimum wage. It was an epic failure. Not only professionally but personally, sure I joined the ranks of many other over qualified under experienced new grads working in the service industry, but I worked as a career counselor for 3 years, I knew how to find a job. People would say work is coming my way and it wouldn’t or I’d get responses saying you just don’t have agency experience you will find something more suitable… it was a like I was a hamster on a wheel that kept moving faster, and there was no way of getting off that spinning wheel.
Staying with family was another epic failure. Hindsight is always 20/20. I am the black sheep of my family. But in a good way. Long story short, I don’t fit in. I’m simply too empathetic and accepting to be around most people I’m related too. Even in my depression I am optimistic and so they ate me for breakfast. Basically I was in a lose lose situation.
I took a leap of hope to end my doom and gloom summer season, and at the start of fall, I sold my ride and moved to the one place in Canada where even the parking meter guy makes 40 dollars an hour. I moved to northern Alberta. A land of opportunity. A land where there is a lot of money and a lot of men. I took another leap for myself, I signed myself up for an online dating site. I took even a more uncomfortable leap in a new direction and I went to church. Something I have never done as an adult.
In one week, I have found a career job. One where I don’t have to wait 90 days for an invoice to be processed (yeah self-employed people I don’t know how you do it in the start if you have kids). I have been loaned a car to get to this job. I have found a wonderful child care provider who is going to offer me a receipt for income taxes (this is basically unheard of here). I have found a wonderful place to stay until I can find a place to call my own. I have actually gone out on some dates. I have rekindled friendships, I have made some new friends, I signed up for the gym and I am on my way.
For the first time in a long time, I am taking charge of my life. I am taking control of my circumstance. I am surrounding myself with positive supportive people. I am finding myself again. Taking joy in sunsets, breathing deeply and wholly. Sleeping, like actually sleeping…not just exhausted commas.
I have a feeling that the light is starting to show at the end of the dark tunnel. I have a feeling I might not be a single sally forever. I have a feeling I am where I am supposed to be.
I lost my personal hope and my faith in myself even while I was remaining optimistic about my future. I am very pleased to report that I have found it again.
From here on out, I’m sticking to my mantra in with the good and out with the bad. Yesterday is behind me, tomorrow is still unknown. Today I am just worried about today.